Paul underwent major lung surgery in October 2001. Here are some of Paul's poems, written during and shortly after his hospital stay. They are a reflection of the many emotions he went through at that time. "Nil By Mouth" No you can't eat, it's your operation Yes, twentyfour hours of pure starvation But I'm hungry, so hungry, it's just no fun Gonna stuff my face when the op is done Now is when I miss all the food Snapping at people, in such a bad mood "But it's for you own good", the doctors say Then comes the line, "Your op's not today" Quickly I eat as much as I can Tomorrow returns the food and drink ban "Nil By Mouth" are the rules to follow Like an empty shell, all hungry and hollow "Getting Better Is All I Can Do" Pain I have felt like none felt before When pneumonia hits it bites to the core With no choice but to trust in the surgeon I have become an NHS burden Operation complete, being sucked by a drain Wishing to get better does mess up your brain But I'm lucky to be in a hospital so nice Away from Chase Farm with it's roaches and mice My emotion's being tested, with post op blues Feeling battered, like worn out old shoes But my mind is stronger, I will get through Getting better is all I can do "Like A Child Again" Being nursed, just like when a baby Loss of independence, not really but maybe Can't wait till I can run and jump And rid this pain that gives me the hump I'm the type who does all for myself But right now, just need my health I know right now that things will be fine The clouds will go and the sun will shine Like a child again, depending on others Calling out for the nurses, I need them like mothers When strength is back and I'm in full swing I'm an adult again, I can shout, I can sing "Missing Things" Being couped up is so, so boring Taking medication, then sleep and snoring The rest of the world gets on with their life While I wait to heal from the surgeon's knife I miss my friends and I miss my own flat And I miss meeting pals down the pub for a chat I miss my search for my ideal career I can't stop missing while I'm sitting around here I miss wasting time on the internet I miss having control of my own TV set Just missing things, it's so not fair But at least I'm around those that care "When I Am Well" It won't be long now and all will be fine Not depending on others, life will be mine Independence will slowly come back I will jump off the invalid track When I am well there'll be so much to do I can start fresh, with a life that is new It's been a big shock, all that's happened to me But when I am well, again I'll be free Emotions were stretched, at times I would cry The scariest moments, when I thought I would die But when I am well, all things will be good All back to normal, just like they should "Lessons I've Learned" In the last three weeks I've learned to cope There have been moments that I had no hope Tears have fallen when it all came on top Anxiety hit when I thought life would stop But there are lessons I've learned that got me by On the darkest days all I could do was cry But I am a strong man with so much to live for My life isn't ending, there's time for much more In all this there's a big lesson I've learned Life is so precious, it's not to be burned "Uncertain Feelings" Anxious and taut I feel once again So many thoughts that pass through my brain The will to recover is what I do need Healing the wounds are my biggest deed But uncertain feelings keep flooding my mind Positive thoughts, today I can't find Could my life really be any worse I don't want to end up in the back of a hearse I find it hard to accept this downfall Inside I'm screaming, I'm losing my cool Yet another setback, the story of my life What's life like without all the strife "The Sun, The Sea Is What I Crave" Winter's here, now the cold will bite The days so short, it always seems night Lying on beaches with the sun on my face Is what I dream of, not this winter disgrace Why was I born in a country so cold With such long winters that make me feel old Like eternity, I wait for the sun to shine But wind and rain are the weather report line I can't stand the way the weather behaves The sun and the sea is all that I crave "Must, Gotta, Have To Stop The Smoke" If I keep it up, in the end I will choke Our bodies were not made to keep inhaling smoke Why I ever started, what a fool I've been Now a slave to the addiction of nicotine Like an ashtray I smell and that's not nice But the craving for fags grips like a vice I have promised myself that I will stop My lungs were not made for the tar they do mop Must, gotta, have to stop the smoke I want to be healthy, not ready to croak "This Was My Home" Back in town where I spent my youth Sleeping again under my childhood roof Security and warmth sweep through me here My mind not scrambled, things seem so clear Relaxing and chilling, no pressures to crush Anxieties inside now calm and hush This was my home and it's good to be back Sadness and lonliness now I do lack For relaxing and chilling, it's the place for me A short walk to the beach to watch the sea To live here again, not something I'd do For the moment now it's getting me through My old home, it is helping me get well Away from the trauma of hospital hell "Watch Me Rise" I've been pushed down, but will bounce back I have the right attitude to get me on track Surprise in their eyes as they see me change Watch me rise and then rearrange I'll get that career, nothing can stop me Travel the world like a bird who is free I'm flying, yes flying and I will reach the top Until I am there, there will be no time to stop You've all seen me fall, now watch me rise I will be happy, see the smile in my eyes "Negative People, Please Go Away" There are those who want to see you on the floor Well, people like that are not welcome through my door Negative people, go take a hike It's only the positive sort who I like If happy and loyal, then please do stay All you negative people, please go away I have not enough time, yet so much to do Not got no time for those feeling blue Will not be dragged under by parasites A new chapter starts, my life's in rewrite "Tranquilized" Insomnia, it's like part of me Never, never can sleep you see So two little pills each night I swallow Knocked right out, in sleep I wallow Wish it was natural, not tranquilized "But it's the only way", my doctor advised So while this insomnia hangs around Those zopiclone ensure I sleep sound I hope one day I can rest without But tonight I'm tranquilized to put me out At least eight hours of kip I'll get But without these pills, I'd be up, you bet "Boredom" Waiting, sitting, just hanging around So quiet here, I can hear every sound Ever so bored, I have nothing to do Just the television to get me through Used to a life that is lively and fun Not sitting around when there are things to be done Boredom is bad and it does send you mad Keep thinking of the energy I once had I know this recovery is a temporary measure But it is no good, I need my leisure Please, oh please let this healing be quick If I get any more bored, my brain will turn thick "Am I Well Or Am I Not?" Just as I feel I am getting well A bolt of pain is sent from hell Throwing me back a step or two The pain sticks inside me, like a blob of glue Then I'm OK again, feeeling quite good But this doesn't last, I wish it would "Going On Holiday" Yes, it feels so good to be getting away To a far off shore for a week I will stay Once again I'll feel the sun on my face And take life calmly at the slowest pace Yes, going on holiday, the miracle cure Come back home feeling new and pure Who knows, I might even stay a bit longer Nothing to come back to, only London so sombre If my dreams came true and I had my way I'd be going on holiday every day